But once maybe twice a month he does sleep with me. Alicia Silverstone recently shared in a podcast that she and her 11-year-old son share a bed. But what I hate is the prep work. They were basically roommates co-parenting their daughter who was an only child. He has her and her younger brother on weekends. Others may use them as a coping strategy when dealing with life stressors. For kids who are in bed and able to get out, some parents gently walk them back to their bed and say good night again. Boyfriend has a 8 yr old son and I have 7yrold daughter (who sleeps by herself, in her own bed) but my boyfriend think its okay to allow his 8yr old son to sleep with us!! I dont mind him being in our bed, but I also do not think it is good for him or is helping matters between her and him. Infact, what ever my niece does, my sister does except the drinking. And why would she? I have an 11 year old stepson who still sleeps with his mom in her bed when she has him and he wants to sleep in our bed with us (my husband) when he is at our house. 2. Few things are more precious than seeing a little one snuggled up with a teddy bear. He stopped bathing with her at age 6 years old an she recalls daddy recently asking her if she wanted to bath with him, but he would wear boxers. He had many medical I know she grows up and i will never ever get the chance to hold this little human being in my arms the way i do it now. What all of you are doing is ruining your children for life. Your kid will likely do some hardcore lobbying to get back into your bed, but dont give in, says McGinn. Just does what he wants when he wants and no respect for authority. My thought exactly! He has a great bed but moms is better. Sure if theyre going through puberty and still cosleeping I can see this as an issue. Its when you lie down and get under the covers that it starts to feel icky., What our expert says My daughter dealt with symptoms her own ped.doc that was mine as a kid never took seriously. So here's my situation. She never told any one. She cant get a job either or hold a job ultimately because of her emotional immaturity and the controlling nature of her mom. Just give us a breakand no, my child doesnt sleep with mebut cant stand judgemental people wondering if you guys are so perfect and yoyr lives are so perfect. I love you and I hope you have a safe, meaningful time with the rest of the family., Send questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. Cracker Jacks? If thats not messed up, nothing ever will be. After swearing my child would not end up in my bedhe ended up there. Douching is, generally, a struggle: often a long process that, by the time Im done, makes me want to stick nothing up there at all. He agreed! He sleeps just fine at friends and other families houses. And I mean none. I just learned they share the same bed him and I are intimate in. She is now 10 yrs old and I see issues that are created by this. Was I wrong to ask? Snuggle time is not something your child should need at age 8, 9 or 10. You should sleep your 10-year-old daughter in her bed once she reaches this age. (I have seen this to vary depending on the personality of the child but it is generally true.). Hes even gone in there to sleep, but then ten minutes later hes back in our bed. He owns a very successful business and cleared almost 2 million last year. They have also threatened the lives of my children. The only one that will be adored and will get away with everything will be his golden child daughter. If you find that it bothers you and you want to find out if more is going on. Photos by Getty Images Plus. They were genuine and have a strong history of being compassionate in situations where other types may be judgmental. According to the Family Law Association, differences in belief on co-sleeping especially as older, opposite sex parents are concerned is often a point of contention. Children need love, nurturing, and structure. While it might be tempting to bring her into your bed for those last few hours of sleep after she wakes or feeds, she wont get why its OK at 4 a.m., but not midnight. I agree with you. A 5 year old boy has been sleeping at night in the same bed as his single mother for basically his whole life, although he has his own bedroom and his own bed. I have a friend (girl) that sleeps with her mother in bed and she is 35. But, I dont think as she gets older, she will want to share her space. Use perspective, purpose, positive thinking, and productivity to manage stress. ", 3. It is an invasion of privacy. I dont think theres any harm in sleeping with them at this stage, although you want them to begin developing some independence., But if parents are uncomfortable cuddling with their opposite-sex child in bed, then they shouldnt do it. How can you protect our child if you cant protect them from it then or now when no one will help you? Room-sharing and bed-sharing are types of co-sleeping: Room-sharing: This is when parents have a crib, bassinet, portable crib, or play yard in the room with them near the bed. Being teenager is so hard these days.. How I see it, this window of time is going to grow smaller & smaller as she gets a little older & than I am going to be missing it that much more! I agree my boyfriend of 2 yrs 11 almost 12 yr old son when I am not there he sleeps with his Dad on the weekends and Holidays and often will say please do not come over tonight its our bonding time .. Then she and her husband and Bennett went out and bought new bedding with his favorite animals on it. Judged an belittled. How should I respond in these situations? If you're wondering when this day should arrive in your home, or how to make the transition, here are three helpful suggestions gathered from moms who fall on both sides of the family bed debate. I suspect my sister keeps my niece on drugs to make sure she is always needed and my niece will never leave or be able to leave. | I want you to stay in your bed tonight dads tied. Is up to families how they whanna leave their live. I have read a lot of information that is available in print and on the web regarding co-sleeping. He is practically an only child because his siblings are grown and out of the house. My father-in-law broke his arm and is sleeping in a recliner in the living room since the amroundndccident roughly a month and a half ago and then four days ago we found out that my wifes youngest sister was asked to abandon her own bed and bedroom and to sleep with her mother, which she was fully delighted to do. I never seen him watch porn or watch it with him. I can tell the personality difference in my niece when she is using and when shes not. There is nothing wrong with cuddling your eight-year-old in bed and, on occasion, sleeping with them for comfort when theyre stressed or ill, says Janet Morrison, a psychological associate from Toronto who assesses children, adolescents and families. Understand that everything isnt black and white, that different people have different needs, approaches, principals and ideals. Im so distraught. So dont scold her when she comes up pregnant at 13 years old. Then part of me doesnt want to respond at all. It's 1 a.m. He still has the same issue. He actually has his own bedroom with a beautiful queen size bed in it. 15 year old boys! By about age two, Bennett was successfully sleeping on his own in his room. I say.do what makes you & your family comfortable! I want to show her respect and teach her that its not for everyone to see.. So, there you go, dont do it, it is wrong. He begs us every night to sleep with us saying He doesnt like being alone. Please try again. I get home from work late at night and have to remove him to his own bed at circa 2 AM every night. Daniel Mallory Ortberg is online weekly to chat live with readers. The father to child I decided to let live with me were (8 yrs apart) he was 28. Her job with this piece was clearly to throw a cat amongst the pigeons and then move on the next quick easy target for thrills and pocket change. Kids have their own room for a reason. Its not every night and I also like sleeping alone . I said absolutely not, but he refuse to seek help I recommended we do. Even slept with him durring holidays when I had plenty of time away from uni. It has been 5 years. Gross!! :-)" Claudia G. had a similar experience: "I have a 13-year-old who slept with me until he was 10, now he's Mr. My sibling is mentally ill and has attempted to kill me. Its no big deal other than he gets the whole bed, and my husband and I are left to hang on to the edges when we sleepand its a king size bed!!! When he comes to my house he now vomits at bed time, and in bed. My wife will not compromise and will not set a deadline to move her son permanently into his own bed. Ya, probably wouldnt let a non blood child cosleep with me, not gunna lie, but how DARE you interfere with your spouses time with their child. He has got her every second weekend. Telling the truth about how she violated your boundaries and how that affected you isnt reinforcing a stereotypeits just being honest. Samantha! Remember that, at this age, your kid still needs a consistent bedtime routine filled with love and cuddles. Right in front of my little girl. Only time I ever felt weird for it was when others would mock me simply for it being different then what they knew. The reasons for this include higher divorce rates, frequent transitions, more over-scheduling, greater academic pressures, the influence of being plugged in 24/7. I told my hubby let the dog sleep in the room with him! Love your comment Amywell done youi have got a little girl too and ocassionally we sleep togetheri love being close to her, giving her hugs and feel her breath on my face. Read a book and get a degree. It does mentally affect a child. The couples bed and bedroom should be limited to the couple. I wonder how we got to a stage where no-one has a grasp of the English language anymore. Hi Belinda. My daughter and sone in law have allowed my granddaughter to sleep with them since birth. I know its hard in the moment to say no, especially when you dont get to see them every day, but its not actually helping them, and its physically painful for me. I wish my boyfriend will stop letting his soon to be 9yr old sleep with himI refuse to so I sleep on the couch while being 7months pregnant. Here are some initial steps for parents: Kate Roberts, Ph.D., is a consulting school psychologist and former professor of psychiatry at Brown University. Stfu and stop thinking about yourself. I totally get that and Im available to answer anything you may be curious about.. Viewed 22k times. Can you spell denial? My Husband Is Demanding I Sign a Postnup. They will grow up and be fine.. That isnt asking too much. My precious Mother always came in our bedroom and hugged us and kissed us and tucked us in bed and said our prayers with us until we left home. She has told us before, that its not fair that mom and dad always get to sleep by each other and shes got to sleep alone. Would you like to log in? What you are suggesting is not normal on any level. Every parent should be mutual an respect each other when it comes to there children Sadly for some parents it is not this way. On the ski fields, them two can ski alone together for many hours before he realizes he hasnt seen me for over 3 hrs. Your daughter will seem very mature one day and then silly and giggly the next. I agree with you. Damn stepmothers, U cant really say that just because the step mother she say wat she said that doesnt mean that she a bad step mother I just thinking that every kids that are 10-13 they should learn how to sleep in there own bed or sleep with the siblings they can sleep in the same bedroom but not in the same bed with there parent. I know what happened. Wow! Its really sad situation. But isnt it always?? Q. My son is 7 now and starts in his own bed and almost always comes In ours in the middle We read to him which he LOVES, then we sing him a song. Your email address will not be published. Or, they attach a bedside sleeper to the side of their bed. As long as I have known her she has had trouble telling her child No to anything, and any child will instinctively want the attention of both parents focused on him or her instead of each other. We recently renovated one of our spare bedrooms for him to stay in when they visit. Most obvious is the impact on the marital relationship and the physiological and psychological well-being of adults who havent had a night of restful sleep in literally years. Deep down should of said bye while pregnant with her. After that we turn off his light and one of us stays with him 5-15 minutes depending on what we think he needs for that night. Some people dont have a clue of what the word Structure for a child means! (Questions may be edited.). But its nice for us to get a little time for me to hug him close. I honestly find their relationship to be a little weird. Im looked at as proverty, single mom, working 2 jobs an still dont make enough to not get off of benefits that help me get by. However, there are a couple of big problems, the first being that my husband is having surgery on Friday. What you eat before bedtime might improve your chances of getting a good nights sleep. I was an only child and thankfully did not experience the other abuse you described, but this seriously caused me ISSUES. Meanwhile, I cooked and cleaned every day from age nine onward and to this day, I resent all I was forced to do under complete tyranny, PLUS I couldnt even have my own space. Whether or not to continue co-sleeping with big kids may be less about the age of the kids, and more about whether everyone in the family bed is truly happy with the arrangement. You should not snuggle your child at that age while sleepingthat is the martial bed not the community sleeping grounds. Your spot on Rita. I told him about her not feeling good, and that his kids, especially his 11 year old daughter had slept with us nemerous times, but my 7 year old daughter couldnt!!!! She is unable to spend the night with friends and has had to be picked up late at night because she is too anxious about not sleeping with her mom. My mum and sister say that once she becomes a teen she wont want to sleep with her dad and will find the idea icky. Hmmm Shes got a point there, I guess. You are asking for trouble. Confession: My youngest kid doesn't like his big brother. I felt a bit weird, but It also was amazing feeling my young boys warmth, both of them close to me,pressed to me. I believe this stuff should happen way before kids even become self aware.. its no wonder the world is so messed up. Therere millions of other kids out there without proper shelter, talk less of someone to give you that level of attention. PostedMarch 3, 2014 Shell cry for her mommy and begs to go home but I will not give in. Anne has told us before that her brash, loud, and aggressive nature has not always been welcome with women in our small town, but I didnt think much of it, until my husband left us for a few minutes and Anne reached out and sort of smacked the top of one of my breasts. Experts break down how to quit co-sleeping at every age. This boys mother would rather appease him than deal with the fussing. Dont have kids if youre so quick to turn them away. I see this situation with my sister and her almost 13 year old son. Come to roost: I studied abroad a decade ago and started a fling with a resident in the country in which I was visiting. I think its just about the weirdest thing ever and I dont understand. Here's what you need to know. Even when her other siblings and cousins spend the night she gets very anxious and cries to go home . Now she is even worse with giving this younger child anything he wants. Sleeping with a teen or pretten child is simply selfish. Id have to pose for pictures with family members I actively avoid due to past abuse (e.g., my father and his wife), Id have to pretend to be excited for him despite not even having a relationship with him or his fiance, and so on. Now, they dont sleep with their mom at home, but she did slept with kids before divorce (that she wouldnt need to sleep with her husband) and once she moved out kids never slept with her and there was no issues. So youre co sleeping for selfish reasons. This is irrespective of education, environment, ideals. Ive seen it so many times. Lauren Schapiro, a psychotherapist at Liz Morrison Therapy in New York City, agrees. My girlfriend lets her son sleep in our bed all the time. Sign up for the Dear Prudence mailing list to receive notifications of new columns and chats. I am the daughter. No one else. OMG Melinda seriously !!! My boyfriend still sleeps with his 22 year old daughter. This usually involves waking him up from his own bed to move him and also puts him right in the middle of the disagreement. PS: the mom has anger issues & was a spouse beater. We never saw violence in our household. Everyone has a different take but the commonality is most agree that whatever arrangement is made needs to include input form both parents and the best outcome will be determined by each unique situation. Because its out of necessity? Why not hug her in the time u have with her.youll be dead soon.. My great grand daughter sleeps just with her dad. I would ask for us to move so I could have my own room; maybe it was because they did not have enough money as we lived in NYC and there was rent control on the apartment. Many parents say, but I take a nap, why cant we take a nap together? But baby doesnt understand that, says Alanna McGinn, a sleep consultant in Burlington, Ontario. You should go sleep in another room and let them bond if thats what the son and father want. My fiance thinks nothing of it. There will be an additional celebration of life at a later time for family and friends in our state. I said no. He has no problem sleeping away from me. Umm Im 10 and Im reading this because I dont know if I will grow or not so that why there no reason to say that. We had our heads screwed on straight from a very young age and only ever saw love. Listen women, if your lonely, buy a dog. What is most important is being cognizant of how ALL the parties involved parent, spouse, and child feel about the matter. I find these claims so uncomfortable, because they did not pressure me either way and honestly supported me to make my own decisions. Told him why had my reasons; from what I saw my toddler try to do that day with the kitty while watching her an cleaning up the house, an how to prevent this one from death. If your husband wants the time with his son then yes he should go to the sons bed with him. And he knows hee loved Even with the rules. The good news is your babys sleep habits are still highly adaptable at this age, but to train your infant to be comfortable in their own bassinet or crib, youll need to be consistent about making sure that all sleep happens in that space. Or for them to sleep with their mom being naked..if you say no to these than there is your answer.. I cant be around X, who as you may remember has tried to kill me, so I wont attending the funeral. You are right, it is creepy. My life isnt confusing, your way of thinking is. My 17 year old son has lived with his Dad since he was 11. The National Institutes of Health recommend about 7-9 hours of sleep each night for older, school-aged children, teens, and most average adults; 10-12 for preschool-aged children; and 16-18 hours for newborns. (I have no memory of what happened, fortunately.) Meanwhile, i skiing on my own. I refuse to let him live with us after high school. People like you that rambles on with an air of knowing what will occur without actually knowing anything at all are toxic. Here are some of the benefits, according to Sutton: Trachtenberg notes that, in many cases, kids havent honed the skill of falling and staying asleep without a stuffed animal, so having one can be key in getting a good nights rest. I would think not! Read what Prudie had to say in Part 2 of this week's live chat. It's Time to Find Out, A Simple Trick to Get Your Kid to Stop Whining. She thinks she rules the house and his disrespectful towards me. I find this not healthy for us as a couple so as important as his Son is Our relationship has had its time of strange allowances time for moving on . Very well captured, thank you so much for sharing! Help! Kids need their own beds. I think there is something very wrong about this. Especially a boy with his mother and a daughter with her father. I am a 59 year old Southern gal. It is a disservice to your child simply because you feel the better than others. Like bathing and being naked in front of them, it make them feel relaxed and free. My niece is in a similar situation as you were. It was apropos of nothing, out of nowhere. This taught her daughter not to respect her and undermine her authority. As for having her sister over 4 years apart from my 1st an he was sleeping on couch with her, bathing with her keeping a secret about it, to her sister getting a firm of a virus that ppl consider abstract all over her private area as for also her telling me daddy touches her an showed me. Do hell with your concept of let the child sleep alone, and all those psychological factors of childs growth related to that. He would visit me on the weekend and it was more like a sleepover. Assist with transitions. Touches her every time he goes past her. Harsh but true I think you make an excellent point. He shares a room with his 16 year old brother but, he always wants to sleep in mine. Last night was not one of those nights though when they asked me, so I was not prepared and I slept naked in my bed, but they both came to me anyways and said they had a nightmare . Your kids matter too and clearly he doesnt care about them. I told my husband if he wants to somehow fulfill a feeling of guilt by sleeping with his son he can go lay in his bed with him. (For what its worth, I ate the cost of transportation.) Get off your high horse people! Ill then feel safe that hes not on a floor alone (forgot to mention thats a huge reason) and ill go back to my marital bed. Honestly, I understand how special the bonding experience can be between parent and child during co-sleeping now and then. It broke me too hear that from her. No one really knows whats happening with there children or who with our for how long. Lol. Life is brutal but also beautiful. What you are describing is clearly indicative that your boyfriend (hopefully former by now) is a narcissistic parent. Normally, when it is brought to the attention of a family law attorney psychological evaluations of the child are ordered to see if there are any issues of foul play involved. HE IS BACKWOODS AND I THINK THIS IS SICKENING. The kiss on the lips for long periods of time and are touchy with each other. You need to do your own diligence to ensure the job or caregiver you choose is appropriate for your needs and complies with applicable laws. Ask him (in a little while, once the original round of congratulations on your engagement is out of the way) if hes available to talk to you about something thats been on your mind and then tell him what you told methat youre not looking to keep tabs on whos getting what for their birthday, but you often try to find ways to let him know you love him and are thinking of him, and you sometimes feel like if you didnt initiate contact youd never hear from him again, and you miss your old closeness. He, on the other hand, hasnt sent gifts for the holidays over the past several years, never reaches out first, and always forgets my birthday. I dont know how it feels for the couple. But when? I did bring it to his attention, an said we may need to seek professional advice an get help being first time parents to understand if this was normal behavior. You wonder why society is messed up? Go out there and fight with my neighbour? First Ive seen him do in front of me, then puts her in an then proceeds even after our condo day before to wear boxers he slips them off. However, the author Dr. Susan Forward has also done some excellent work around this topic. We just KNEW to sleep in OUR own room and OUR own beds and that was perfectly fine with us and we was content with that. Hm? Claimed she had a home vet an never did turns out n he hated cats an hated boy dogs, How to Recover From the Effects of Narcissistic Parenting, The Two Skills Your Child Needs for a Successful Life. I had all kinds of thoughts an worries that I wanted answers to. 90% of such kids have devilish intentions already, as their plan is to see what mom and dad are doing all night. The teach my nephew zero responsibility, he has zero tours, hes not an independent thinker, & I think its all because they dont force him to grow up at all. Still made his lunch after all he done an been like, but he was sitting on our 2 yr Olds bed an his hand on her, caressing her face to feet, slowly over an over again. I used to call him daddy when its just us, but I had to try hard not to though when other people are around because of the kind of looks I get. Made me have issues see I fell off the bed at very young age so I got smothered. I know someone today who has an 10 year old going on 11 and he must sleep with her every night and have her full attention 24/7. Privacy, independence, sexuality (exploring their bodies, realizing their parents need their private intimate alone time) being able to COPE with being alone. Co-sleeping can disrupt sleep for both children and parents. I was 10 years old when my mom Lolita Bronson from Fresno California thats her name asked me to start sleeping with her my mom had just divorce my dad I suggest you dont do it things start happening . . What if your child has or goes on sleep-over, goes to camp, or goes on a trip with a friends family??? Its a parents job to raise independent and healthy minded humans. A mom named Elfrieda, for instance, suggests that if you have a child who is eager to please, it might be a good idea to make sure you're not guilting him into it: "If he's very keen on pleasing you, he might keep sleeping in your bed long after he wishes he could be on his own."